My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
