this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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