I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
