can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
