I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize