woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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