I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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