I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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