do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
