Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
