Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
