the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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