i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Send help, water and tortillas.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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