I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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