someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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