Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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