the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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