: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize