Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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