Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
