I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
i think i just lost a toe
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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