the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
