so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
