Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
