paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
