Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
