you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
