the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
