he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
