So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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