Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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