That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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