nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
What drink are we having for lunch?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
