Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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