i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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