After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
