Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
