Walk of Shame. In a state park.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
