someone get that fucking seahorse.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
