Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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