Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
