I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
