Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
They took my balls.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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