Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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