he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
