I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
