and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
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