I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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