Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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