Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
be right there i have to get my cape
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize