i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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