I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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