and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
