I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
