I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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