I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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