The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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