Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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