if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Randomize
