so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
