any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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