I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
