four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
