Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
